I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
