There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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