The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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