i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
