Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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