Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
