my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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