i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
