the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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