I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
