so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
