quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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