if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
