Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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