I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
