Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize