The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
