If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
