the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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