I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
