Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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