not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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