i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just gift wrapped bread.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
