So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
