I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
