Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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