Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
