That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
