Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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