and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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