I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize