be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
