I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
