in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
