Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
