i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
