I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
