this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
