Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize