i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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