What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
