I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
