Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
