My hand turned me down
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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