i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
