Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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