Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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