twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
