The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
