I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
