Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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