i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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