It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize