the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
