Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
