To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is Oprah even human
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
