im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize