The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
