brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my sisters under your porch take her home
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
