new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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