Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
