It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
