last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
