i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
