I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
