the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
And then my night got REAL pukey
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
