apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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