i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
