Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
